Agency Debuts Revolutionary 'Client-Speak Translator' to Decode Feedback Like 'Needs More Pop'
In a bold move that's already being hailed by junior creatives and therapists alike, Auckland-based agency Brandpocalypse has unveiled what it calls the industry's first 'Client-Speak Translator' – a headset that deciphers vague feedback in real-time and converts it into usable creative direction.*
The device, which resembles noise-cancelling headphones crossed with a barista's headset, uses a combination of linguistics, marketing cynicism, and three interns with Philosophy majors to translate phrases like "can you zhuzh it a bit" into actionable input like "please make the CTA visible before the third scroll". It also flags dangerous phrases such as "I showed it to my cousin who does design on the side" and "it's giving me not quite" as red-level alerts, prompting wearers to take a walk or pour a whiskey.
"Look, no one's out there teaching Brand Managers how to give feedback that doesn't sound like a riddle inside a postmodern haiku," said lead developer Mona Thistlethwaite, who reportedly came up with the idea after her 19th round of logo edits for a new fast-casual churro chain. "We just got tired of pretending we knew what 'add a bit more vibe' meant. What vibe? Jungle funk? 2011 Tumblr aesthetic? Night-time chemist energy?"
The translator, still in beta, comes preloaded with a database of 14,000 popular client phrases and includes regional variants unique to New Zealand such as “the CEO wants something more Crusaders-y”, “feels too Wellington”, and the cryptic, “can we make it more like Zuru but less plastic?” Early feedback has been promising, although one test user reported being tossed into a state of existential confusion after the device attempted to decode “less cluttered, but don’t lose anything”.
Brandpocalypse says the next step is integrating the translator into Teams calls, where they hope it will detect passive-aggressive silences and translate them into honest opinions before the creative leaves the room believing things went well.
The device, which resembles noise-cancelling headphones crossed with a barista's headset, uses a combination of linguistics, marketing cynicism, and three interns with Philosophy majors to translate phrases like "can you zhuzh it a bit" into actionable input like "please make the CTA visible before the third scroll". It also flags dangerous phrases such as "I showed it to my cousin who does design on the side" and "it's giving me not quite" as red-level alerts, prompting wearers to take a walk or pour a whiskey.
"Look, no one's out there teaching Brand Managers how to give feedback that doesn't sound like a riddle inside a postmodern haiku," said lead developer Mona Thistlethwaite, who reportedly came up with the idea after her 19th round of logo edits for a new fast-casual churro chain. "We just got tired of pretending we knew what 'add a bit more vibe' meant. What vibe? Jungle funk? 2011 Tumblr aesthetic? Night-time chemist energy?"
The translator, still in beta, comes preloaded with a database of 14,000 popular client phrases and includes regional variants unique to New Zealand such as “the CEO wants something more Crusaders-y”, “feels too Wellington”, and the cryptic, “can we make it more like Zuru but less plastic?” Early feedback has been promising, although one test user reported being tossed into a state of existential confusion after the device attempted to decode “less cluttered, but don’t lose anything”.
Brandpocalypse says the next step is integrating the translator into Teams calls, where they hope it will detect passive-aggressive silences and translate them into honest opinions before the creative leaves the room believing things went well.