Agency Introduces Revolutionary Office Plant With Built-In KPI Tracker
Wellington’s third-most agile creative agency, ZapTorque, has today unveiled its most important innovation since last winter’s branded yoga hour: the KPIPlant™ — a ficus with stakeholder visibility.
According to ZapTorque’s Head of Foliage Optimisation, Shelley Griggs, the KPIPlant™ "senses ambient performance momentum in the team and adjusts its leaf angle accordingly." If deliverables lag behind, the leaves droop. If synergy is high, it emits a subtle peppermint scent only Annie from accounts claims she can smell.
Custom-coded in an Airtable API no one remembers creating, the plant syncs with Trello boards, Slack channels no one checks, and that one intern’s Spotify playlist full of meditation grunts. Monthly reports are auto-generated in Comic Sans, and printed weekly to preserve the illusion that someone reads them.
"Finally," says Griggs, watering it with a flat Red Bull, "we have flora that holds us accountable." The plant is set to roll out nationally — starting with the client boardroom, where it will silently judge pitch decks and slowly die.
Early issues include the plant going limp during brainstorms and attacking any team member who uses the term 'ideate'.
According to ZapTorque’s Head of Foliage Optimisation, Shelley Griggs, the KPIPlant™ "senses ambient performance momentum in the team and adjusts its leaf angle accordingly." If deliverables lag behind, the leaves droop. If synergy is high, it emits a subtle peppermint scent only Annie from accounts claims she can smell.
Custom-coded in an Airtable API no one remembers creating, the plant syncs with Trello boards, Slack channels no one checks, and that one intern’s Spotify playlist full of meditation grunts. Monthly reports are auto-generated in Comic Sans, and printed weekly to preserve the illusion that someone reads them.
"Finally," says Griggs, watering it with a flat Red Bull, "we have flora that holds us accountable." The plant is set to roll out nationally — starting with the client boardroom, where it will silently judge pitch decks and slowly die.
Early issues include the plant going limp during brainstorms and attacking any team member who uses the term 'ideate'.