Auckland Agency Declares Intern Coffee Orders „Billable Hours“ in Bold Move Towards Profit-Per-Soy-Latte Model
AUCKLAND — In a disruptive reimagination of operational efficiency nobody asked for, creative agency Splint & Dagger has announced that all intern coffee runs will now be logged as billable hours on client invoices.
“Why shouldn’t Strategy benefit from Jasmine’s flat white with oat blend?” said Managing Partner Toby Wrench, circling a burdened spreadsheet with the glee of someone who has never been to therapy. “It’s emotional labour. She queued for 8 minutes, navigated Milk Bar’s loyalty app, and deciphered a Slack message with four misspelled orders and a vague reference to something ‘with cinnamon?’. That’s consultancy.”
Initial implementation of the model, dubbed BEAN (Billing Externalities Around Necessities), has caused only light chaos. One client, a mid-tier sock subscription startup, reportedly received an itemised invoice featuring a $37 line item titled "Creative Fuel: Cold Brew, 2x non-dairy, 1x almond, extra froth, ironic patience". They paid it.
In anticipation of industry backlash, Splint & Dagger hosted a webinar entitled 'Reframing Interns as Mobile Client Experience Units'. Attendees were treated to a PowerPoint featuring a flowchart of caffeine-to-ROI conversion and two Photoshopped slides of a barista in a tie. The firm is now trialling billable Uber rides to team lunches. Return trips remain unpaid due to what they call a 'narrative arc break'.
“Why shouldn’t Strategy benefit from Jasmine’s flat white with oat blend?” said Managing Partner Toby Wrench, circling a burdened spreadsheet with the glee of someone who has never been to therapy. “It’s emotional labour. She queued for 8 minutes, navigated Milk Bar’s loyalty app, and deciphered a Slack message with four misspelled orders and a vague reference to something ‘with cinnamon?’. That’s consultancy.”
Initial implementation of the model, dubbed BEAN (Billing Externalities Around Necessities), has caused only light chaos. One client, a mid-tier sock subscription startup, reportedly received an itemised invoice featuring a $37 line item titled "Creative Fuel: Cold Brew, 2x non-dairy, 1x almond, extra froth, ironic patience". They paid it.
In anticipation of industry backlash, Splint & Dagger hosted a webinar entitled 'Reframing Interns as Mobile Client Experience Units'. Attendees were treated to a PowerPoint featuring a flowchart of caffeine-to-ROI conversion and two Photoshopped slides of a barista in a tie. The firm is now trialling billable Uber rides to team lunches. Return trips remain unpaid due to what they call a 'narrative arc break'.