Local Ad Agency Declares Flat Whites 'Emotionally Off-Brand', Bans Them From Strategy Meetings
In a bold move sure to rattle every freelancer within 300 metres of a KeepCup, Auckland-based creative agency Growl & Fathom has formally outlawed flat whites from all internal strategy sessions, citing what it calls a 'misalignment with the agency’s emotional palette'.
According to the agency’s newly released Beverage Alignment Framework (BAF), flat whites were found to represent 'complacent ambition' and 'uncritical consensus', both of which allegedly undermine the agency’s push to 'ideate at the intersection of tension and turmeric'. The strategy team is now required to choose drinks based on a quadrant of emotional intensity and archetypal aspiration. Long blacks remain conditionally permitted, but only if sourced from beans roasted at altitudes above 2,000m and drunk from calcium-neutral ceramic. Chai lattes have been upgraded to 'Pre-Idea Catalysts'.
"We found the flat white to be vibing too low," said Chief Culture Evangelist, Jules Delafonte, during a Slack Town Hall disrupted twice by cold brew deliveries. "It tells our subconscious we’re safe. We're not safe. We’re pitching to a telco next week that wants their brand to feel like a ‘quiet riot in a bespoke sock’. We need our beverages to reflect that pressure."
Growl & Fathom’s internal style guide has also been amended to include a beverage-to-mood colour index, replacing traditional brainstorming with a 'froth spectrum'. Staff are encouraged to submit drinks for emotional auditing via an app called Caffexion, which uses mood detection, eye microbe analysis, and an increasingly unhinged UX journey to rank hot beverages by strategic alignment. Early feedback on the new system? "It’s unworkable nonsense and my oat flatty was perfect," said Senior Planner, Kayla B., before requesting anonymity.
According to the agency’s newly released Beverage Alignment Framework (BAF), flat whites were found to represent 'complacent ambition' and 'uncritical consensus', both of which allegedly undermine the agency’s push to 'ideate at the intersection of tension and turmeric'. The strategy team is now required to choose drinks based on a quadrant of emotional intensity and archetypal aspiration. Long blacks remain conditionally permitted, but only if sourced from beans roasted at altitudes above 2,000m and drunk from calcium-neutral ceramic. Chai lattes have been upgraded to 'Pre-Idea Catalysts'.
"We found the flat white to be vibing too low," said Chief Culture Evangelist, Jules Delafonte, during a Slack Town Hall disrupted twice by cold brew deliveries. "It tells our subconscious we’re safe. We're not safe. We’re pitching to a telco next week that wants their brand to feel like a ‘quiet riot in a bespoke sock’. We need our beverages to reflect that pressure."
Growl & Fathom’s internal style guide has also been amended to include a beverage-to-mood colour index, replacing traditional brainstorming with a 'froth spectrum'. Staff are encouraged to submit drinks for emotional auditing via an app called Caffexion, which uses mood detection, eye microbe analysis, and an increasingly unhinged UX journey to rank hot beverages by strategic alignment. Early feedback on the new system? "It’s unworkable nonsense and my oat flatty was perfect," said Senior Planner, Kayla B., before requesting anonymity.