Marketing Firm Launches New 'Quantum Vibes' Brand Strategy That Exists and Doesn’t at the Same Time
AUCKLAND, Wednesday — In a bold move that’s being hailed as either revolutionary or completely incomprehensible, boutique agency Gasp & Whittle has unveiled its newest offering: 'Quantum Vibes'. The strategy, described as existing “in all demographics at once until opened in PowerPoint”, is said to transcend traditional targeting by tapping into what the agency calls ‘Schrödinger’s KPIs’—metrics that mean whatever you want them to mean, as long as the client doesn’t ask twice.
The agency’s Head of Perception Architecture, Claire-Bliss Witherton (formerly a Reiki therapist at The Warehouse), explained, “This strategy isn’t just multi-channel, it’s omni-dimensional. One moment you’re selling oat milk to Gen Z flatmates, the next, you’re subtly repositioning industrial ball bearings as lifestyle accessories for crypto dads in Te Awamutu. It’s all about moment-based elasticity. But spiritually.”
Early adopters include a telco that requested anonymity because 'the strategy gave us murmuring headaches', and a boutique coffee subscription service targeting left-handed Virgos who use Firefox. Gasp & Whittle also partnered with a Wellington tech start-up to launch a campaign entirely inside an Excel spreadsheet, with each row delivering a unique brand experience depending on your spreadsheet font of choice. Spoiler: Calibri Bold outperforms the rest.
To celebrate the launch, the agency hosted a 47-minute sound bath in an abandoned Flight Centre, allowing invited CMOs to synchronise their chakras with their quarterly reports. Attendees were gifted handmade badges reading, 'Don’t ask for ROI, ask for ROWhy'. Feedback from one client? 'It smelled like lime and ambition.'
The agency’s Head of Perception Architecture, Claire-Bliss Witherton (formerly a Reiki therapist at The Warehouse), explained, “This strategy isn’t just multi-channel, it’s omni-dimensional. One moment you’re selling oat milk to Gen Z flatmates, the next, you’re subtly repositioning industrial ball bearings as lifestyle accessories for crypto dads in Te Awamutu. It’s all about moment-based elasticity. But spiritually.”
Early adopters include a telco that requested anonymity because 'the strategy gave us murmuring headaches', and a boutique coffee subscription service targeting left-handed Virgos who use Firefox. Gasp & Whittle also partnered with a Wellington tech start-up to launch a campaign entirely inside an Excel spreadsheet, with each row delivering a unique brand experience depending on your spreadsheet font of choice. Spoiler: Calibri Bold outperforms the rest.
To celebrate the launch, the agency hosted a 47-minute sound bath in an abandoned Flight Centre, allowing invited CMOs to synchronise their chakras with their quarterly reports. Attendees were gifted handmade badges reading, 'Don’t ask for ROI, ask for ROWhy'. Feedback from one client? 'It smelled like lime and ambition.'