Agency Declares War on Table Snacks Amid Budget Crisis
AUCKLAND, NZ – Citing 'unprecedented fiscal conditions' and 'escalating nut-based inflation', local creative agency Upright Pangolin has announced a full embargo on communal snack bowls, effective immediately.
In a leaked internal memo titled 'Operation Crumb Control', management outlined draconian policies aimed at 'suppressing mindless carb consumption during brainstorms'. Staff are now restricted to self-funded, single-serve portions of almonds, or, in the case of contractors, ambient-temperature mandarins. The surprise clampdown follows an audit by an overstimulated junior accountant who discovered the agency spent $4,316.70 on fancy popcorn in Q4 2024. That included 14 varieties of 'artisan sea salt dusted air corn' and something called Truffle Explosion that reportedly annihilated the kitchen microwave.
"The line items were buried under ‘Client Happiness Initiatives’," said Accounts Director Karen H., her eye twitching slightly. "But a line must be drawn. Especially when we’re cutting back on office Wi-Fi bandwidth to stay solvent."
Junior creatives, long dependent on snacky sustenance to survive 6 pm feedback sessions, are reported to be forming underground snack rings. One intern was allegedly caught attempting to 3D print a cashew out of filament and desperation. Pangolin leadership has offered staff a compromise: motivational quotes printed on rice crackers. Morale is reportedly at an all-time low, though pantry hygiene has improved by 83 percent.
Upright Pangolin plans to redirect the saved funds toward a ‘bold and authentic’ March campaign for biodegradable paddleboard wax, although insiders suggest most of it will quietly be absorbed by the agency’s subscription to premium pens.
In a leaked internal memo titled 'Operation Crumb Control', management outlined draconian policies aimed at 'suppressing mindless carb consumption during brainstorms'. Staff are now restricted to self-funded, single-serve portions of almonds, or, in the case of contractors, ambient-temperature mandarins. The surprise clampdown follows an audit by an overstimulated junior accountant who discovered the agency spent $4,316.70 on fancy popcorn in Q4 2024. That included 14 varieties of 'artisan sea salt dusted air corn' and something called Truffle Explosion that reportedly annihilated the kitchen microwave.
"The line items were buried under ‘Client Happiness Initiatives’," said Accounts Director Karen H., her eye twitching slightly. "But a line must be drawn. Especially when we’re cutting back on office Wi-Fi bandwidth to stay solvent."
Junior creatives, long dependent on snacky sustenance to survive 6 pm feedback sessions, are reported to be forming underground snack rings. One intern was allegedly caught attempting to 3D print a cashew out of filament and desperation. Pangolin leadership has offered staff a compromise: motivational quotes printed on rice crackers. Morale is reportedly at an all-time low, though pantry hygiene has improved by 83 percent.
Upright Pangolin plans to redirect the saved funds toward a ‘bold and authentic’ March campaign for biodegradable paddleboard wax, although insiders suggest most of it will quietly be absorbed by the agency’s subscription to premium pens.