Wellington Ad Agency Declares War on Lowercase Emails, Hires Ex-Military Colonel to Enforce Typographic Discipline
WELLINGTON, 6 MAY 2025 — In a move described by its creative director as 'revolutionary, courageous, and probably unnecessary,' Wellington-based agency Goldtooth & Hound has officially banned all lowercase-only emails, citing 'a crisis in typographic self-esteem' gripping the industry.
The new internal policy, titled 'Operation Upper Respect,' comes after a junior strategist sent a full campaign proposal in minimalist all-lowercase text, prompting a 47-message internal Slack thread, two emergency WIPs, and what one senior designer called 'a spiritual unraveling.'
To enforce the initiative, the agency has hired retired Colonel Rhys Trewbridge, formerly of the NZDF and, more recently, the Wairarapa chapter of Toastmasters. Trewbridge will conduct mandatory formatting drills each Monday at 7:15 a.m., including subject-line assault courses, email-signature recon, and a section ominously titled 'Comma Splice Survival.' Staff will be issued standardised Helvetica dog tags and may be court-martialed for using the word 'vibes' in client comms.
“We’re not just building brands,” said Managing Partner Niko Frew, wearing a turtleneck and dog whistle. “We’re rebuilding discipline — one capitalised greeting at a time.” The agency has also instituted 'Font Fridays,' where employees must present their top three serif fonts to the class, explain their choice, and do three push-ups for every time they use Arial.
When asked whether the policy has improved productivity, the agency reported a 14% drop in Slack messages, a 32% rise in passive-aggressive Post-its, and one account manager now communicating exclusively via IMAX-sized Keynote slides. The client response? "Honestly, we hadn’t noticed," said a representative from the brand’s in-house team. "But we do appreciate the edible arrangements."
As of press time, Goldtooth & Hound is investigating ways to bring pun-free subject lines to market by mid-Q3.
The new internal policy, titled 'Operation Upper Respect,' comes after a junior strategist sent a full campaign proposal in minimalist all-lowercase text, prompting a 47-message internal Slack thread, two emergency WIPs, and what one senior designer called 'a spiritual unraveling.'
To enforce the initiative, the agency has hired retired Colonel Rhys Trewbridge, formerly of the NZDF and, more recently, the Wairarapa chapter of Toastmasters. Trewbridge will conduct mandatory formatting drills each Monday at 7:15 a.m., including subject-line assault courses, email-signature recon, and a section ominously titled 'Comma Splice Survival.' Staff will be issued standardised Helvetica dog tags and may be court-martialed for using the word 'vibes' in client comms.
“We’re not just building brands,” said Managing Partner Niko Frew, wearing a turtleneck and dog whistle. “We’re rebuilding discipline — one capitalised greeting at a time.” The agency has also instituted 'Font Fridays,' where employees must present their top three serif fonts to the class, explain their choice, and do three push-ups for every time they use Arial.
When asked whether the policy has improved productivity, the agency reported a 14% drop in Slack messages, a 32% rise in passive-aggressive Post-its, and one account manager now communicating exclusively via IMAX-sized Keynote slides. The client response? "Honestly, we hadn’t noticed," said a representative from the brand’s in-house team. "But we do appreciate the edible arrangements."
As of press time, Goldtooth & Hound is investigating ways to bring pun-free subject lines to market by mid-Q3.